Caledonia, You're Calling Me

Hejdå Sverige!

Jeez, I guess it’s been a while since I last posted in here, huh?

So if the title didn’t give it away, I wanted to record my feelings around my decision to leave Stockholm, after almost 4 years in the land of fermented herring, Volvos and dill flavoured everything.

If I’m being honest, it’s hard to compile the last 4 years into a single post. I was a very different person when I moved over here. My life was totally different to what it is today, and this goes beyond the obvious differences. I doubt I’ll fully comprehend how my time here has changed me until I have a little distance on it.

When I moved here with Kara in 2017, we had next to nothing in our pockets and the first few months were quite nerve wracking as we came to terms with the costs associated with living in the middle of the hipster part of town, in a tiny flat that barely gave us any space to sit apart.

Avalanche took good care of me though, and have consistently walked the walk when it comes to their promise to take care of their people. I can think of no better example than their current willingness to let me leave Stockholm, move home and continue working remotely on an indefinite basis.

So that’s what I’ll be doing. Come the end of February / start of March, I’ll be returning home to my family home in Perth. Covid and Brexit obviously make things a little tricky, but if all goes to plan I’ll be back in my childhood bedroom once again, making videogames and making excuses for the posters on my pin-poked walls. There’ll be a couple of weeks where I can’t do anything due to Covid regulations, but after that I’ll be out looking for a new place to sleep and build a home office. I’ve grown quite fond of having my own space since I moved to my current flat in August.

There’s a few reasons why I’ve decided to come home, and considering them has made me confident that this was the right choice for me.

1. Living in Perth brings me closer to family and a community that I feel like I fit into.

2. I can afford a much higher quality of life in Perth.

3. I can begin planning the next stage of my life.

4. I get to keep my amazing job.

My friends and family will undoubtedly have rolled their eyes as I play the typical Brit abroad, complaining about the food options while simultaneously putting on weight. While part of me does want to add a “Reason 5: Food” to the list, it’s honestly not the biggest problem and I’ve learned to cook a lot of recipes from back home during the last year while I was unable to return home to stock up.

It honestly feels like the best of both worlds, to be able to keep working at Avalanche and to also be able to progress my own personal life goals. Back home, I can afford to save for a mortgage, live in a house bigger than a shoebox and hopefully learn to drive. From there, I am several steps closer to living in a cottage in the middle of nowhere with at least a dog for company.

Land Of Opportunity

TwitchCon Berlin 2019

Sweden has undoubtedly been full of positive experiences for me. I’ve encountered setbacks and things have definitely not been easy, but I am coming home as a much more mature person, a more self-reflective human and an objectively more experienced and capable game developer. When we moved over, we didn’t know how long we’d be staying, and given how much we struggled at first, it looked like a year would be a victory.

I think that for me personally, the welcome I got from my friends and colleagues at Avalanche was a huge part of what kept my morale afloat in those early days. I still vividly remember our first outing was going to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2 with my friend Alisa, who was like the Avalanche welcoming committee. Since then, I’ve developed an amazing group of friends within the studio that I will come back to visit as often as I can. The studio’s fondness for parties has also given me ample opportunities to develop friendships with people I’ve barely even worked with. The collaborative nature of game development and the open and friendly environment inside the Stockholm studio really has helped me to feel like part of the team.

Some Of My Favourite Nerds

The “Sam & Frodo Challenge”

As well as my wonderful friendships built at work, there’s my brothers and sisters that I have met during my time with the Stockholm Berserkers. I recall my first time approaching a Berserkers training session, the day after my 30th birthday in the (surprisingly, alarmingly) hot Stockholm summer sun. Stockholm empties during July, and so the first session I attended was a modestly attended affair, where I was reminded of every single one of the 13 years since I’d last pulled on some rugby boots. The session was painful and humbling, and to be honest, that’s a big part of the rugby experience! It wasn’t long after this that I was playing my first game as a Berserker, scoring my first try in my first game with them and running my first naked lap of the pitch as part of my forfeit.

In the intervening years, I’ve been proud to call myself not only a Berserker, but a coach as well. A lot of trust was put in me, and I got my first proper chance to coach at a ladies training camp on a soggy autumn weekend, where the Berserkers hosted women from Karlstad and Åland. From there, my experience and confidence grew, and with the support of a wonderful rugby family, I got to be a part of the Berserkers Men’s first league victory in 2019, both as a player and a coach.

The adventure of going to Amsterdam for the Bingham cup (see previous blog from 2018) is now pure gold in my memory. At the time it hurt and I was constantly tired, with allergies going insane, but I won’t ever forget the bonds that were forged during that tour.

Postgame.

Vi Ses

Like I said before, it’s really difficult to compress 4 years of living in Sweden down to a few pages. I am extremely sorry that due to Covid it’s not possible for me to host a going away party, but I hope you know that this isn’t goodbye forever. I will be back to visit when I can, and I will be just as keen as ever to hug and laugh and joke with you all. Don’t be strangers, and know that once I’m all set up, I will gladly accommodate guests that want to visit and explore the highlands with me.

To all my friends and family back home in Scotland, know that as soon as it’s safe to do so, I’ll be coming to hug all of you.

Imported Viking - Returning To Sender

Ett år i Sverige

Jag trivs i Sverige

 Today; the first of April, 2018 marks the first anniversary of Kara and I setting out to live in Stockholm. In fact, on this particular anniversary, Kara is traveling home from Scotland. Making an almost identical trip as she returns from seeing friends and working at the Scottish tattoo convention.

 Our little apartment on the island of Södermalm has been a base of operations for beautiful walks around the city in summer and the site of a couple of dinner parties, which was something we so rarely did before, being the self-imposed hermits that we were. The proximity of our workplaces to our apartment has been truly appreciated through our first winter in Stockholm, as we realised just how deep and treacherous the snow gets here. Of course, my closeness to work didn't stop me from slipping on ice and opening up my knee on the sharp stones that Stockholm city council uses instead of grit. In true Ross fashion, it was just while I was checking to make sure that everyone in my group had shoes equipped for the detour I had just decided to take. Suffice it to say that despite my allergies and general distaste for warm weather, I am looking forward to the weather clearing slightly. 

Getting this off the ground has taken a lot of work, but it's fun!

 My little table in the corner of the living room has also been the place where I've done most of the work for my new podcast which is slow-going, but for all the best reasons. First of all, researching for a Podcast isn't something I've ever had to do before. The effort involved is a part-time job in of itself. A full-time job if I'd planned to get one out weekly. This is a good thing, as it's giving me a lot of satisfaction to make sure I'm researching properly, even if I know it's all for nought if I never get around to recording and releasing the bloody thing. 

Teambuilding at work involved silver-smithing a set of rings for the team.

 The second thing holding me back from releasing a regular podcast is the fact that I actually leave the house in the evenings these days. Between hanging out with Kara, going to our nearby cinema or just hanging out on a Sunday afternoon to watch a Ghibli movie, it's really nice to have options that involve going for walks around an old city or seeing friends. Speaking of friends, this past year has introduced me to some of the most lovely, charming, interesting and caring people I've ever had the luck to meet. As a couple who don't go out drinking, living in a city where 3 rum and cokes in a pub cost roughly the same as a nice bottle of rum back home didn't seem like the best set-up for making friends. That prediction failed to account for the wonderful colleagues that I have become close to in the last year, and the team-mates from the Stockholm Berserkers who have welcomed me into their fold.

I've never trained for rugby indoors before, but these guys make it fun!

 When I first considered the move to Stockholm, the first thing I did was look at rugby teams and the possibility that I could jump back into the sport after 13 years away. While I had considered that my years spent playing 4 days a week would make me an asset to a team who needed a 19st packhorse, I hadn't pictured that within 6 months, I'd be helping to coach the team. In the past few months, I've been attempting to up my game, both literally and figuratively, as I come to terms with being expected to know what I'm doing on the pitch. This has involved late nights, poring over videos of rugby drills, playbook moves & the basic laws of the game, which have changed a bit since I played at 18. It's a challenge that I'm enjoying, and I'm looking forward to a camp next weekend, where hopefully we can put it all into practice. 

 So things are going well in Stockholm, but like everywhere, it has its downsides. It's incredibly expensive to live here, which was the only downside I had when we moved. In my first year, I also learned that Brits shouldn't have to be mocked for the blandness of British cuisine. Admittedly, our love of curry comes from horrific imperialist colonialisation, but if you want a good curry in Stockholm, it's probably best to learn how to make it yourself. We live next door to a curry house that tends to be quite busy at the weekends, but having sampled some, I just don't think that Swedes have the same standards for curry that a Brit might be expected to have. On top of the aversion to strong spices, Swedes are also obsessed with some of the worst flavours in existence; especially when it comes to sweets. I already knew about licorice and cinnamon being dramatically over-represented in Swedish cuisine, and I was aware of the horror that is Surströmming, but I've also discovered that they love food in tubes. Caviar, prawn mayonnaise & cat vomit all seem to be popular options. I assume that this is a diet choice that makes it easier to transition onto pureed food in later years.

A wall of Swedish food in tubes.

The other thing I've learned about Stockholm that is unfortunate, is that it has a communal mentality that reminds me a little bit of London. While Swedes love their friends and are certainly bigger huggers than Kara and myself, (anyone who knows Kara's stance on hugs will probably laugh at that bit) the general feeling as you walk around Stockholm is a bit more cold, with people pushing in front of you, not even smiling if you hold a door open for them or glaring at you for wearing shorts in the winter months. Ok, that last one might be very specific to me, but I think it's still a poor show.

 All things considered, Sweden is working out really well for me, and I am determined to make the most of my time in this wonderful country. The rugby team will have some games out of town this season, and I'm looking forward to seeing more than just the little towns and villages that used to be distinct, but are now just outer suburbs of Stockholm. Will year 2 match or even beat year 1? With Kara and I planning some holidays and a new group of wonderful friends, I look forward to finding out!

From the day we visited the Aquarium in Stockholm. It was too cold for smiles.

Farväl för nu mina vänner!

Education Through Youtube (Part 2)

Making Up For Lost Time

 Most of the people who know me are very much aware that I am passionate about video games, and many of these people also know that I dropped out of a nursing course at University over a decade ago. My year-and-a-bit foray into nursing is the only taste of higher learning that I've had, having finished high school and not really being inspired to do anything afterwards. I knew that I liked to take care of people, and I am from a family of brilliant nurses (and a trained midwife) so it seemed like a sensible thing to do. The thought of actually working in the games industry felt unattainable, like being a rock star or an a-list actor.

 Looking back, I wish I could have drilled it into my teenage self that the cliché of "you can do anything you want, if you try hard enough" has its foundations in reality. Instead, I found myself spending my teens and early twenties doing bar work and retail; both of which have resulted in some great life lessons and friends that I am so proud to have. These jobs never gave me much opportunity to learn, though, and that was why I reached out to "Train2Game"; an open-learning course that turned out to be a bit of a joke. Despite the course's dubious credentials, it allowed me to put together the portfolio you see on this site, as well as giving me the confidence to apply for work in my chosen industry. I was willing to be vice-sub-assistant deputy teaboy, but luckily I was rewarded for my tenacity with a QA role and this crazy ride began.

 Every moment in my professional life since then has been a somewhat scattered ascent up the steep rock-face of "learning on the job". I love my current job, and if there's anyone who's thinking "I can't do <X> for a living", I want to let you know that if you care enough, you'll make it happen. My lack of formal education means relatively little in my current role, as does my growing up without a PC in the house for most of my childhood, as I've learned the role of QA tester over the past 4 and a half years. Despite this, I am constantly tripping myself up with imposter syndrome and the belief that my lack of technical or academic knowledge is going to define my whole career. It's a stupid insecurity, given that the games industry is already full of inspiring characters who have defeated much greater odds to achieve their goals.

 Anyway, the upshot of all of this is that I have been lucky enough to pick up some good habits from colleagues and fellow game developers who have shown me that especially in the tech world, nobody is ever finished learning. Books and seminars can be useful, but people go to great lengths to make learning the trade of game development more entertaining. This brings us to the whole point of this blog post (apologies for the introspective opening), the amazing channels that are out there that I feel have helped me to become a better game developer. I want to start with one that I've been following for quite a long time now, and has been a gateway to much wider sources of analysis.

As before, all titles will double as links to the appropriate Patreon pages.

Mark Brown & The Game Maker's Toolkit

 Mark Brown is the first youtube channel I ever supported on Patreon, and this was largely because his Game Maker's Toolkit series was the first instance I had seen of critical analysis on specific gameplay mechanics and themes. Before this, I could see when a game had a problem with its mechanics or level design, but I couldn't ever convey it succinctly. I am not a trained level or mechanics designer, but GMT provided a lens through which to see the core tenets of modern game development and almost overnight, I became better at identifying a game's shortcomings and conveying them to other people. Some might think that this would be useful for a QA tester, and technically it is, but this insight is more useful when giving feedback, as opposed to writing bugs. Fortunately, I'm lucky enough to work somewhere that QA feedback is not only acknowledged, but actively encouraged, so I feel like this channel has equipped me well.

 Mark puts a great deal of work into his roughly 10-15 minute pieces, and not only is his voice a calming and well paced guide through the subjects he's discussing, but he also rewards his Patreon backers with a generous amount of "behind the scenes" content, video critiques of the games he's played that month and most valuable of all (to me): his reading list. 

 The GMT reading list is Mark's favourite articles, videos and essays about all sorts of subjects that can conceivably apply to gaming. Every month, he posts some solid gold that has led me to follow some of the video makers I'll mention later. Many of the articles he cherry picks are related to specific game mechanics, some are indie blogs that describe the process of making a game with a small team, there's a small selection of choice interviews with game developers great and small and some are really gratifying deep-dives into classic games from my childhood and teens.

 Whatever your chosen genre or area of expertise, I can almost guarantee you that Mark has made a video to suit your interests. I've never regretted kicking him a few quid for the work he does, and he always seems grateful. His work only continues to improve, and I look forward to the next series he makes.

Recommended Videos:

1. The Last Guardian & The Language Of Games.
2. Boss Keys - A Link to the Past's Dungeon Design.
3. How Games Do Health.

Extra Credits

 The Extra Credits guys have been making educational videos for years now. They started as a channel solely dedicated to helping people understand how games are made and why developers often make choices that seem wrong or ill thought out. At this point, I doubt there's a part of game development that they haven't touched on. They've covered all genres, some more in depth than others, and while some of the lessons they convey may seem obvious, it's a great place to look for a video about getting started on your own game, why some games have stories that work while others fail, and even career advice for someone who wants to break into the industry.

 They've also branched out into teaching history, which was a treat for me. For those looking for the "game design" nuance in there, I'm afraid to say that it's 100% historical storytelling. That being said, a good designer reads fiction & non-fiction, takes trips and brings life experience to their project, so give some cutely drawn history a shot. Episodes are short and concise, with a distinctive and mostly consistent art style.

Recommended Videos:

1. Design Club - Baldur's Gate: Durlag's Tower.
2. Design Club - The Blue Shell.
3. Overwatch & Asymmetric Character Design.

Tommy Thompson's AI & Games

 My countryman Tommy Thompson is a senior lecturer in computer science and researcher in AI. He also develops his own games. His knowledge of the driving forces behind AI makes for a very interesting insight into what makes game non-playable characters (NPCs) compelling to interact with. From the undeniably brilliant (albeit slightly inconsistent) Xenomorph AI in Alien Isolation, to the much lauded "game director" functionality of Left 4 Dead, AI & Games is a thought-provoking and never too technical insight into what makes our games more challenging and creative.

 His breakdowns of classic games known for their AI is the reason I keep coming back to watch his work. He is a prime example of an educator who can take a feature and boil it down to what makes it work and why sometimes it doesn't. Computers aren't as smart as humans...yet.

Recommended Videos:

1. The Perfect Organism - The AI of Alien: Isolation.
2. Resurrection & Reverence: The Return of DOOM.
3. In The Director's Chair: The AI of Left 4 Dead.

Hamish Black's Writing On Games

 Another fellow Scot (as if the name didn't give it away); Hamish Black has been recording a podcast about games for quite a while now, and has been making videos about writing in video games for a couple of years. Sometimes these take the form of critiques of specific games, while other times, they can focus on an aspect of interactive storytelling that Hamish finds especially valuable or troubling.

 As someone who enjoys writing blogs, fiction and interactive fiction, it's no surprise that the topics found on this channel often resonate strongly with me. I've always found Hamish's videos to be quite even-handed, and while I don't always agree with the points he's making, I feel like he always backs up his opinion, so I can at least see where he's coming from. With the game industry's long running "What's More Important: Story vs Mechanics" debate as strongly contested as ever, it's good to know that there's someone who cares enough about interactive narrative to keep putting out consistently solid content, which only seems to be getting better.

Recommended Videos:

1. Wolfenstein: The New Order Is About More Than Defeating the Nazis.
2. How the Meaning of Vanquish (and Spec Ops: The Line) Changed.
3. The Witcher 3 and the Management of Narrative Scale.

Danny O'Dwyer's noclip Documentaries

My first time hearing Danny O' Dwyer was during my phase of listening to the GiantBombCast's ridiculous 3-hour long podcasts. I have since stopped listening to them as who has that sort of time to listen to a podcast every week? I digress. Danny is an extremely competent, well connected player (ho-ho!) in the games industry. His career has allowed him to make friends and interact with people that some might describe as the "rock stars" of modern game development. His channel "noclip" was set up in 2016, and the name refers to a type of video game cheat that allows players to walk through walls. This alludes to his ability to get inside the walls of big game studios to interview the people who make our favourite games.

 His first documentary was a behind-the-scenes of my favourite game of 2016, the great DOOM! He has since gone on to interview Marcin Iwinski of CD Projekt: one of the people behind my favourite game of 2015, The Witcher 3. He has a candid interview process that seems to get the best out of the people he's speaking with. I am really hoping that noclip's success allows Danny to bring the insides of great studios into the light.

Recommended Videos:

1. DOOM Resurrected [Part 1] - To Hell & Back (DOOM Documentary).
2. The Story of Rocket League (Part 1) - How To Build a Rocket.
3. FINAL FANTASY XIV Documentary Part #1 - "One Point O"

 

Double Fine Adventure

Ok, I admit it. I love Tim Schafer to the extent that I have played through and loved most of his games, despite not actually enjoying the format of the typical adventure game. His inimitable writing style and sense of humour have pushed me through Grim Fandango, Monkey Island 1 & 2, as well as causing me to have Broken Age in my Steam list (I'm yet to get around to playing it.)

 I don't really do Kickstarters, but Double Fine's campaign to fund Broken Age was brilliantly marketed, to the extent that they went dramatically over budget. $3million over budget, actually. I may love Tim Schafer but I have no illusions about his slight...inexperience with managing a budget. The "Double Fine Adventure" showcased the process of pitching the idea of Broken Age to the general public, all the way through to release via highs, lows and E3 press conferences. Highlights include when the campaign was so successful that they broke Kickstarter as they broke $1m, sitting down with Peter Chan to look through his old art work and composing with Peter McConnell. With cameos from voice actors like Jack Black and Elijah wood, and interviews with Ron Gilbert and Tim Schafer, this is a must-watch for fans of Double Fine.

 For anyone who's curious about what it's like to develop a game, there's few examples better than 2 Player Productions' coverage of Broken Age's development. 

You can find the first video here.

GDC Talks

 I couldn't talk about using Youtube to learn game design without referencing possibly the greatest resource out there. The huge range of talks and presentations made at the Games Developers Conference (GDC).

 This catalogue of post-mortems, feature breakdowns, new development proposals and groundbreaking new ideas are an invaluable insight into how the best people in the industry are pushing us forward. From game design to AI programming, composing scores to compositing images; this is the place to find what you're looking for. 

 I have put this last, as most casual fans of videogames are less likely to be interested in an hour-long talk about a single feature in their favourite game, but some might. I know that as someone who wants to learn all he can about game development, this is a resource that I dip into regularly. I encourage anyone who's interested to have a look around the youtube vaults. There'll be something there for you.

Recommended Videos:

1. Building Game Mechanics to Elevate Narrative in Oxenfree.
2. Building Beauclair in The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt - Blood and Wine.
3. DOOM: Behind the Music.

 And that's it from me this time! If you made it to the bottom of the page, thank you for reading! I find that doing these blogs is a really good exercise for me, as I learn more about why I enjoy these channels. It also serves to highlight the benefits of thinking back on what you learned from watching a youtube video in your lunch break.

 This is just a select few of my favourite resources. I hope that maybe in the future, I'll be able to add more. For now, these are the highlights.

 Next time I blog, I will have probably celebrated 6 months in Sweden. So far, things are going great and I hope this continues for a long time. Avalanche has been a wonderful experience so far, and Stockholm is treating me well. I'll probably talk a bit about what I've been playing (including some rugby) and maybe throw in some movie or TV chat as well. Thanks again for reading!

We're Going On An Adventure!

 I will admit that I have been neglecting this blog of late. I have been quite preoccupied since Christmas, due to a mixture of several issues, including an upsetting and prolonged family loss, my fragmented living arrangements and a seemingly never-ending stream of rejections from studios that I had hoped would open their doors. Believe it or not, I've been in a single continuous job hunt since July 18th 2016. My head has been all over the place, and it's made it very difficult to focus on my own personal projects, as many evenings have been spent refining cover letters, applying to companies across Europe and scouring corporate websites.

Back In The Saddle

 I am so very relieved to say that my time spent hunting has been rewarded, and that Kara and I are moving to Stockholm in Sweden, so that I can continue to pursue a career in game development as a QA Technician at Avalanche Studios. We are planning on a late March/ early April move so that Kara can attend her very first Scottish Tattoo Convention as an artist, and to give us time to prepare for a move of this magnitude. I've never lived abroad before, and Kara had never so much as set foot outside the UK until we visited Italy in 2014. We are both excited and terrified.

 This news comes less than a year after discovering that Reloaded was not only failing to send us to the USA, which we had been planning for since 2015; but I was losing my job. To describe the past 8 months or so as "tumultuous" seems to be an understatement. The paralysis of not being able to plan more than a month in advance had been banished and it was quite freeing, after more than a year of worrying about the move. Of course, it left me jobless and I set myself the task of getting back into the industry. After numerous rejections, I was finally able to get myself a job at eeGeo in Dundee, where I was lucky to be surrounded by a dedicated, considerate and friendly group of guys. While 3D mapping software was not the area of development that I wanted to progress, it did allow me to gain an understanding of a totally alien process, as well as refining and sharpening my QA skills. They came along at a time where I was really flagging and it gave me the confidence boost I needed to keep going with my hunt for a permanent games industry job.

 While Kara and I were on holiday in Girona, I received a missed call from a girl called Emma who worked at OPM recruitment, and she was wondering how my job hunt was getting on, asking me to get back in touch with her. I had previously not had much joy with recruiters, having only received one Skype interview that resulted in a "no". After our first phone call, Emma came back with two potential roles, one of which I am only now taking. She has been a positive force that played a pivotal role in not only helping me to secure this position, but she has counselled and generally steered my crazy paranoia out of the way so that we could focus on being the best candidate available. The entire process has lasted about 3 months, some of which has included long bouts of self-deprecation and doubt, as well as returning the stress of not being able to plan beyond a month in advance, as we waited to hear back from them. It is immensely satisfying to have that uncertainty lifted and to be free to plan for the future again.

 So now the plans are starting to form. It's going to be a tough month and a half, but with any luck, this new job is going to be the payoff after what I am personally calling "The Harshest Winter in Memory". I'd like to thank everyone who offered words of encouragement and hope. While it's often seen as the polite thing to do, the positivity has truly helped when I was feeling beaten down.

Grabbing The Wheel

This picture of Fernando Alonso flying upside down through the air at 150kmph is how I've felt in recent months.

Getting Back In Control

 It's been a month since I last posted anything on my blog, and I know that while I don't have readers to "keep happy" with updates, I am disappointed in myself for not keeping up to date with my writing. It's been a bit topsy-turvy this last few months, and I think that it's important for me to log my thoughts on how things have been, considering unemployment and general misery are hurdles that most people face in their adult life at some point, and I'd like to take some net positives out of the experience.

 Finding the "silver lining" has definitely been difficult since I was made redundant. I suppose the changes I've had to make to my lifestyle have been felt more accutely due to how happy and contented I was in my previous job. I was working in the games sector, I'd recently been promoted and I worked next to one of my now closest friends. Every day felt like I was moving (sometimes slowly) forwards on a career path that I set for myself while I casually worked on putting pieces of my novel together, listening to podcasts like Writing Excuses and reading "Slay The Dragon" while I worked on getting to the gym as regularly as possible and convincing myself that I was making the most of my day, which was tightly packed for maximum efficiency. 

 When I lost the job, not only did my financial situation suddenly become extremely tenuous, I found myself unable to focus on writing my novel, mainly due to a mixture of guilt for not having immediately found another games industry job and a general dread at the thought of "going backwards". Before this experience, losing a job hadn't felt so bad because I'd always been around the bottom rung on the ladder, but now it felt as if I'd actually lost something real and tangible, as opposed to just another low paying retail or hospitality job. It turns out that while I did end up "going backwards", it did remind me that it's incredibly important to have a goal in life, and that knowing what's worth chasing adds colour to an otherwise grey and drab working life.

 I was lucky enough to be able to find some work in Bathgate, which isn't as easy as you might think. It's a relatively small town, with a few shops and bars, but the size of Bathgate makes opportunities harder to find. My morale and self-worth were in tatters at this point, as I'd been turned down for jobs that I felt I was bound to be qualified for, but at this stage I feel I maybe just wasn't right for; there's no point in sour grapes. Knowing that I'd be hammered with tax, I picked up a full-time retail job in a pawn shop and some part-time work in a bar & restaurant. I was really lucky to have been able to inform both employers that I would be actively seeking work in an environment that would help my career (ie- nerd stuff) and still receive a job offer. Most employers want a little more commitment than "I'll work here until I find something better." but they must have appreciated my honesty and within a day of handing out CVs, I had 1.5 jobs. It relieved some of the stress that was hanging over me, knowing that I'd at least be able to pay the bills, but I was more determined than ever to keep pushing for games industry jobs. I applied to agencies, I sent emails to recruitment departments at studios with speculative applications. I even built the site you're reading this blog on with the intention of finding a good job and getting back on track.

 For a long time nothing came through, and while I never felt like I "gave up", I definitely allowed myself to slide into a funk which only made me feel worse. I wasn't going to the gym and I wasn't sleeping well at all (which is still the case, actually) and I made up for it by eating pretty much whatever I wanted, but with the added guilt of knowing I shouldn't. I was grumpy and lethargic, unhappy and sick. I have actually been ill more in the last three months than in the last two years, and it makes me wonder if the cause is working with the public and handling money again, or if it's my poor mental state and physical discipline that's crushing me. I kept looking and applying, sending off speculative applications and even applying to "dream jobs" with the conceit that after having had such a crappy couple of months, maybe CD Projekt Red would address the karmic balance with a writing position. Of course, this didn't happen, but I am pleased to say that I have been super lucky in finding a short contract role that is going to allow me to improve my skills, widen my experience and work in a software development studio that has a few very cool projects going that I am excited to be a part of. I have taken this job and made it the turning point for my life. I am grabbing the wheel and taking control.

I really hope to have more moments like this in the next three months

Finding The Silver Lining

 So with all of the "woe is me", "regular jobs are torture" self pitying stuff out of the way, I am genuinely excited to be starting the next phase in my career. Reloaded gave me my start in game development, and my new employer "eeGeo" are working on some really cool 3D mapping technology that I am excited to learn about. On top of a new job, I'll be moving back to Perth for at least 6 months, as my new job is in Dundee; commuting distance away from my family home in "The Bronx" of Perth - Letham. Anyone who's moved away from their home town will probably have a similar mixture of feelings about the prospect of moving back. The memories of why you moved away in the first place will probably crop up, alongside a rush of nostalgia about the people and places you remember fondly. I left Perth largely because I was bored and all of my friends lived in Edinburgh or Glasgow. I currently live in Armadale in West Lothian and take a bus to work in Bathgate or Livingston's DMZ "Craigshill" so the opportunity of moving TO Perth actually offers more interesting things to do and people to see. Just the thought of being able to take my mountain bike around Perth's beautiful parks or countryside is especially appealing, as is the prospect of being able to chill in the pub for a drink or two after work with some friends I used to hang out with at the Games Workshop when we were in our teens. Knowing me and my habits, I'll probably still just want to spend most of my time sat in front of my computer; writing or playing games.

 The real downside to all of this is that Kara works in Bathgate and is similarly career-minded. She has secured herself a job as a tattoo artist that she enjoys and spends a lot of her evenings working on. This means that we will be living apart for a while, as the commute from Armadale would be extortionate and would require me to be awake at around 5am, I'll wager. We are buying a new car this Friday, which I would be more excited about if I was able to drive it. The plan is for Kara to visit me as much as she can, and a new car will make it much easier and cheaper than coming up by train or relying on an old car that rattles a bit. I planned to be driving by now, but Reloaded are yet to pay up our severance pay, and after three months, my faith in their ability to come through for us is wavering. Suffice to say that any money coming in is going to be going right back out again, but isn't that always the way?

Where's The Fun?

 Apologies to anyone reading this who isn't me. I know the above text is basically just an outpouring of my current mental state, but it's pretty accurate. Let's get on to the good stuff that's coming up.

Honeyversary/Annimoon In Catalonia

So Kara and I have nearly been married for a year. It's mind-boggling to consider where our lives were a year ago. The "American Dream" was definitely tarnished by the distinct lack of updates on the whole process, but we were still anticipating a big American adventure. Little did we think that a year later, we'd be living apart and working in different counties. Still, we took all of the resources we'd been saving for the states and put them into a proper holiday. We haven't been out of the country since 2014 and we wanted to go somewhere that shows an adequate level of pageantry for Halloween, to keep Kara happy. We leave for Barcelona on October 26th and we'll also be spending a little time in Girona, just a little ways up the eastern Spanish coast. Expect the blog to turn into a travel journal for that one, much as it did for our Italian trip. Kara's eating wheat again now, so hopefully we won't have such a hard time eating.

What? No Games?

I have been playing games, I promise! I started playing "Pillars Of Eternity" on my PC, as my brother had gifted it to me last Christmas. I am really enjoying it, but I won't say any more about it this time. Hopefully I'll get a chance to come back to it in the blog, as I'm really enjoying it.

That's all for this post, but if you made it this far, then thank you for reading! Stay tuned for Spanish travel stories - coming soon!